Confessions of a Tinderella

Confessions of a Tinderella

Tinder
Filed under: 
Sex & Recreation

"Confessions..." is an on-going column where we invite readers to submit their most outrageous personal stories anonymously for everyone to read. These stories are real, and usually come from people who lead double lives. Due to the nature of the subject matter, all identities are kept anonymous to protect the person's job, and normal day-to-day life. Click Here for more Confessions stories.

This week we spoke to a self-proclaimed Tinderella to hear about her first-hand experience with dating guys on the app.

I started using the social-dating app Tinder about 8 months ago, after some friends introduced me to it. At first I thought it was just going to be for shits and giggles, that is, until it became a serious hobby of mine. Not knowing what I was getting into at first, I went in blindly. Little did I know that I'd get hooked right away. 

It always starts when I am a little bit bored. I open the app and swipe through it just to see if I am able to find hot guys to stare through my phone's display. Obviously  it's hard to decipher any guy through a picture, but the fun part is looking at the picture and starting to imagine what this guy's all about. I start imagining what his daily routines are,  what he does first thing in the morning. When I come across a Brad Pitt type, I tend to imagine him grabbing me from behind and fucking my brains out against the vanity in my room. The problem is, when you start, there is no looking back. The thoughts and imagination become stronger every time and, before you know it, I've been on the app for a good couple of hours and have not accomplished much other than teasing myself. 

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The reality is, there is a 40% chance the next dude I start talking to will meet all the requirements I progressively built up during my swiping routine, and there's always that one little thing that becomes a complete turn-off in each guy I speak to. The swiping becomes endless, because you always keep hope that the next one will be worthy to drool over.

I always let the guy start the conversation. It's always the first few questions that count. If a guy successfully passes my initial screen test, I start feeling butterflies in my stomach and get the urge to grab a pillow and place it in between my legs. I will never start the conversation myself though, never. The whole point here is to make it seem hard for them to get to me; men love that, it makes it more challenging for them and more exciting for me to gain their attention.

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The interactions always begin in a pretty similar way: a simple, "Hello," "How are you?," "What do you do in life?," and "What are you up to?" Occasionally, you will have that one creep who skips right to the point and let his manhood do the talking. Ew. You might as well take a picture of your dick and put it as your profile photo, you'd make our lives so much easier. I usually skip those creeps right away, because it's not fun when a guy gets right to the point; it's all about building up the momentum.

Tinder is a lot of work: there are a lot of boring and dumb guys on there, and I don’t really want to waste my time talking to someone who I know I will never meet. Which is why I stopped counting the amount of aimless flirt-convos I've had on the app. I filter the conversations I am having as they progress. If a guy has nothing interesting to say or comes off as a player/douchebag then the conversation ends there. You need to have game on Tinder just like in real life!

On rare occasions, you'll get matches that are only in town for a couple of days because they are traveling, which gives you a free pass for one night stands. I've fucked a couple of hot business-type men in their hotel rooms and one in the backseat of his rental car (I won't go into details). Those encounters are usually the ones I don't speak about when gossiping with my girls. It's a quick-release kind of meet-up; the conversation stops as soon as they leave town. 

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Having used this app thoroughly, I came to the conclusion that there are 3 archetypes of horny guys that continually resurface during the search: 

1. The Cocky Bastard: This guy will always start the conversation by ridiculously complimenting you on your physique, like, "Hey you look very hot in your picture," or, "It might seem crazy but, you seriously are the prettiest girl I've met on here." - AS IF I'm going to believe that I am the only one he says that to. Bye. 

2. The Awkward Dude: This guy will take the randomest thing he sees on one of your pictures and start his conversation while attempting to break the ice. "You picked a nice color for your wallpaper, is that your room?" or "Who's that girl lying next to you on the grass? Your mom?" - I mean, there's nothing wrong with breaking the ice, but COME ON. I am definitely not interested in exchanging interior design tips, or talking about anyone else but myself. Although this type of guy is the least annoying out of the bunch, some of them really don't know how to play the game. 

3. The Creep: There is nothing worse than when a guy jumps right into it: "So, what are you looking for here ?" A new purse, what the fuck else would I be doing on this app? Clearly I am looking to date someone. Sidenote: a sophisticated girl will never say she is looking for sex. Society is built that way, and it won't change anytime soon. I usually make a joke about it, and if he becomes too persistent about getting his dick wet, I skip him and move on to the next one. 

There is the occasional girl that I end up speaking to, but I don't tell any of my friends about it. I mean, I have never met or been with a girl off this app, and I do not consider myself bisexual, but if she's good at flirting I will give it a go just for fun. I guess you can call me curious for now. 

Also, there is this weird tendency for guys who use Tinder to be short. I can definitely contest to the fact that about 80% of the guys I've met through this app are, in fact, short. This trend is kind of disappointing due to the fact that most girls like me are looking for a man that has to lean in when kissing me, not the other way around.

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It took about two weeks for me to build up confidence in meeting the first guy in person.

My first real-life Tinder date was actually kind of awkward. I really didn’t know what to expect and was slightly worried that he would be a psychopath or something. I had never met someone from “online dating” before. It was also incredibly impromptu; I was talking to him one night when I was working late and he was very adamant in seeing me. He really wanted to go for a drink and was trying really hard while at the same time being really funny and charming, which is why I gave in. We met up that same night. In terms of my expectations, I didn’t really have any, least of all did I plan on sleeping with him that night, and I didn't. Believe it or not, though, we actually ended up seeing each other for a bit over a month and eventually did sleep together. He freaked out once it started getting slightly serious and I never saw him again. Is Tinder for pussies? Ironically enough, this, my first ever Tinder date was the longest Tinder “relationship” I've had.

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One of my worst experiences is when I went out with a bartender of a really prestigious, hip restaurant. Apparently, he was working on becoming a sommelier and knew a lot about wine. We went to a restaurant for drinks, and of course I let him pick the bottle of wine we ordered. I didn’t see what he ordered, but I assume it wasn’t the cheapest bottle on the menu considering his palette. The restaurant wouldn’t let us order only wine, so we ordered a few plates to share, which I could tell he didn’t want to do. The date was going really well and, when we were done, I went to the bathroom. I came back wondering if he had already settled the bill, which he hadn’t. The waitress came to bring it to us, he picked it up, looked at it and put it back down. I then picked it up, looked at it and put it back down. He wasn’t saying anything. I then reached into my purse, starting pulling out my wallet -- he still wasn’t saying anything. Then I reached into my wallet, started pulling out my credit card -- still nothing. I dropped my card on the table and meanwhile, he was pulling out his thick stack of cash from his pocket (it seems he was making a lot of money from tips). Not only did he not offer to pay the bill, but he had ordered one of the priciest bottles of wine on the menu! What upset me is not that he didn’t pay for the bill, it’s that he didn’t OFFER to pay for the bill on our first date. It’s the principle of the thing, you know? He still proceeded to ask me if I wanted to come over. I didn’t.

Even though Tinder has taken over my life in certain ways, there is no way for me to keep away from it. My curiosity is way stronger than my will to quit. It's like a bad habit where you only feel guilty after the fact, and the fact is I won't stop anytime soon.

I am a proud Tinderella, what is YOUR story? 

See the other entries in our confessions series :

If you think you have an interesting story to be featured as part of the anonymous Confessions series, send us an email to [email protected] and tell us your story.

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