Basic Bitch 101: A Tutorial

Basic Bitch 101: A Tutorial

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I regret to inform you that this here post is NOT a buzzfeedesque quiz to let you know if you are a basic bitch. I am simply here to educate you on this extremely alarming topic.


In this I will focus on three areas: 

  1. What is a Basic Bitch?
  2. Basic Bitch Predators
  3. How to avoid being a Basic Bitch

What is  Basic Bitch?

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Literally speaking, a basic bitch would be one who often dresses in basics, meaning, clothing of the cotton persuasion. If we're being completely honest, a basic bitch is one who reeks the stench of someone who's personality was forcefully removed from them at birth by probably Rumplestiltskin disguised as a Michael Kors purse.

They're the ones that always post inspirational quotes as if they graduated from the University of Pinterest- majoring in Delusion with a minor in being the most annoying fucking person on social media.

inspiration nation

They are basic because they are predictable in most aspects of their lives, most obviously in the way that they dress. I'm basic when the lactose gods are mad at me. Sometimes all you want to do is frolic in a pair of 5$ jogging pants you got at Walmart. That's okay- but it only takes one ''this too shall pass'' reference to take you from ''fat day'' to full-blown basic bitch.

Basic Bitch Predator :  The Bad Bitch


Take Miley Cyrus, Rihanna- basically any female celeb who's exposed their vagina via fashion magazine editorial.


Add a snap-back, 2/3 of a twerk and a sprinkle of unprotected sex and you've got a ''bad bitch'' on your hands. I would suggest you wash those hands thoroughly because evidently, bad bitches don't wear pants. Walking around looking like a stripper circa 1993 and I havn't decided whether or not that's a good thing because, I mean- I like Showgirls but I don't like contracting Chlamydia from a toilet seat.


What the bad bitches fail to realize is that they've fallen into the trap created by pervert masterminds. The same perverts who put that chick with the spray tan and highly visible nipplitis on The Golf Channel. Teaching golf skills along side that 80 year old British dude acting like she wasn't strategically placed there to give your grandfather a boner.

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How to Avoid being a Basic Bitch

There's no real way to avoid being a basic. Technically, basic bitches aren't doing it on purpose. It takes assholes like myself and the bad bitches to judge you accordingly on a scale of 1-10 based on how hard you idolize Lauren Conrad from The Hills.


So now you have to go around town driving in your red Fiat in legitimate fear of the bad bitch army. Can't have that latté, the bad bitches are watching you. They wait behind a bush in their crop tops and Jeffrey Campbell shoes  waiting for the opportune moment to sneak out of the shadows running after you with their claw shaped acrylic nails screaming, ''DAT LATTÉ DOE'' and ''Bitch, don't kill my vibe...''.

On that note, I'd like to argue that your vibe killed itself because you made it listen to too much Lana Del Reytard.


Fucking lyrical genius of our generation.

main image: instagram @fatjewish

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